Bad, Bad Bella
by inksmudged
Summary: Bella develops a taste for danger while chasing Edward's voice. She becomes dark, angry, and dangerous. When Edward returns at long last, how will he react to the new Bella? Will she be able to return to the girl she used to be? [ExB]
1. Back

_Edward never came back - Alice never had a vision of Bella cliff-diving. So, in an effort to keep hearing his voice, Bella keeps doing more and more dangerous stuff. Her depression and need for danger have changed her into a different person – a darker, angrier, total bad-ass. Also, in the books, it was painful for Bella to even think Edward's name, but I'm going to be using his name to avoid confusion. This will probably be three chapters, but if I get a lot of reviews, I'll make it into a series. Oh, and just to give everyone fair warning: this story will include swearing, sexuality, and violence – there will even be one incident of the 'F-word' so stop reading now if you don't want to see it._

I shivered in the winter air, wearing only a pair of Charlie's old boots and a ratty, over-sized sweater. The snow was drifting down in huge, feathery clusters. The whole scene was lit with a surreal glow, cast by the rarely-seen moon. I would've thought it was beautiful, if I were even aware of beauty anymore. Ever since _he_ left, the most beautiful part of my life, he took everything beautiful with him.

I needed a cigarette almost as badly as I needed to hear his voice. Even if the delusions stopped coming when I lit up, I wouldn't be able to stop smoking. It didn't matter, though. Every time I took a puff, it was a greater danger to my health, and thus, he railed at me for it.

"Bella, this is completely idiotic!" his velvet voice snarled. I smiled bitterly, taking another drag. "Put it out! Put it out now!" I tilted my head back and blew the smoke high into the sky. "Do you _want _to die?" he snapped.

I hugged my arms tight to myself, careful not to let the lit end of my cigarette touch the sweater. "Yes," I whispered back.

I took one last drag, eliciting a long, angry snarl from my delusions, then stubbed it out in the snow. As the snarl faded into silence, I felt the hole return. Like having battery acid poured on my chest, the painful burning ache spread slowly, eating away at my heart until it was completely gone again.

I returned to bedroom, arms wrapped tightly against the throbbing emptiness, and went to sleep. Sleep was nearly impossible when I knew he would never again watch over me as I dreamt of him. Instead I was plagued with nightmares of my future without him, only to wake, screaming, in an empty room.

But I could still have him, in a small, desperate way. Every day, I found new hazards to spur the delusions of his voice. I did everything that might upset him, from hanging with werewolves, to starting fights at school, to smoking. Some things worked… some didn't. Even the trouble that didn't earn the delusion's wrath, I continued. What was the use of being safe, good-girl Bella anymore? The only people I cared about were Jacob and Charlie, and neither of them were going to abandon me like _he _had.

-

I slid sullenly into my desk just before the final bell rang. Mr. Kemp raised his eyebrows impatiently, but he didn't say anything to me. Nobody did anymore – they knew I was a lost cause. The only people who spoke to me were those who wanted to provoke me. Even sweet, steadfast Mike Newton had lost interest in me.

I lost myself in thoughts of hanging out with Jake on the reservation. I liked to rile his temper, make him phase, so that I could hear Edward. The voice was beginning to fade though – the more I provoked Jake, the better his control became. I knew the time was coming when pushing Jake's buttons would no longer be dangerous. Already, I was plotting new ways to endanger myself.

Halfway through class, I realized Mr. Kemp had asked me a question. I looked up carelessly.

"What?"

Mr. Kemp sighed, beleaguered. "The answer to number six, please, Miss Swan."

I hadn't done my homework. Mr. Kemp should know that – I hadn't turned in my homework for months. "I don't know."

Lauren, two desks away, whispered to Mike, "Maybe she'd know if she actually did her work." Mike shrugged his shoulders, not interested in Lauren's pettiness. That brief gesture won Mike more approval than I'd ever given him. Lauren rolled her eyes and glanced at me. I could see she still had a shiner from when I punched her last week. She didn't think I heard her, but I was about to teach little Miss Lauren a lesson in manners.

"It's not polite to tell secrets, Lauren," I said loudly, looking pointedly at her bruised eye. "What were you saying about me?"

Lauren was not intimidated, or even repentant in the least. She pursed her lips in a prudish smirk. "I said, 'You would know the answer if you did your homework,'" she repeated haughtily.

I felt a small snarl in the back of my throat – a trait I'd picked up from _him_. "That's a thought," I said acidly, pretending to ponder the idea. "Hey – I've got one! Maybe _you_ would be less of a bitch if I punched your other eye."

"Isabella Swan!" Mr. Kemp cut in sharply. "Take yourself to the main office – that language is unacceptable."

Lauren glared as I grabbed my books and left. I'd hoped that I might hear Edward for that, perhaps a lecture on focusing on my future and that sort of thing. No such luck. Regardless, I didn't plan on spending my afternoon in the office. I'd already been there twice in ten days – once for the fight with Lauren, and the other for threatening Tyler Crowley with a badminton racket.

I left the building and went straight to my old truck. The ignition started with a roar, and I immediately put the window wipers on. Last night's snowfall continued into the day, coating all the vehicles like sheets over furniture in an empty house.

I ignored the hole in the console where my stereo used to be, and cranked the heat up to full blast. I pulled out of the parking lot furiously, and made for home. If my truck weren't so ancient and Charlie hadn't put on the snow chains, I could've played fast and loose on the highway, using the ice and snow to slide and swerve.

-

When I was sure that Jake was out of school, I drove up to LaPush. I didn't even knock anymore. Billy looked up briefly as I entered the house, then pointed down the hall to Jake's room. Billy and I had come to an uneasy truce. He acknowledged that the Cullens were gone, and thus my alliance with them was severed, while I understood that he would naturally be a bit frosty with me, considering I was still desperately in love with a 'leech.' It was odd how Billy seemed to notice what Jacob could not.

"Is he sleeping?" I asked.

"Yeah," Billy nodded. "But he's been asleep for a while. It won't hurt him to get up."

I entered Jake's small room and nudged him with my foot. "Hey, wake up," I said softly. Jake remained sound asleep. I stuck the toe of my boot into his ribs and gave him a rough shove. With a snarl, Jake lunged into consciousness.

"Bella!" Jake and the Edward delusion simultaneouslychastised me.

"Don't provoke him!" Edward ordered.

"You shouldn't do that," Jake said more gently. "It's kind of dangerous."

I smiled sheepishly, though I was anything but. "Sorry," I lied. "I forget."

Jake smiled warmly, patting the mattress beside him. He could never stay angry with me. I felt guilty for taking advantage of his kindness. I didn't deserve Jake's friendship, or his love, but I still couldn't stop myself from using him. I _needed _to hear Edward, and if Jake helped me with that… then so be it.

Jake cupped the side of my face with his hand, running his thumb over my cheek. The worn calluses on his thumb pad tickled. He sighed as he traced the hollows under my eyes. "You need more sleep, Bells."

"I'm fine."

"No you're not. You look like a heroin addict."

It was true – I had dark circles under my eyes, I dressed in dark, unhappy clothes, my slender frame had faded to emaciation. Food had no flavor anymore, and I never felt hungry anyways. The overwhelming emptiness of Edward's absence robbed me of even the most basic pleasures – eating, sleeping, laughter…

"It's because of him – that leech," Jake growled.

"No," I lied smoothly. "I spend my nights thinking of you, Jakey," I teased. Jake knew I was joking, but his eyes softened at the thought.

"_I _think of _you_, Bella," he sighed.

I looked away, unsure of what to say. I knew that this would come up again soon. Things had been too peaceful between us for the past few weeks. Every time we talked about a relationship, I felt myself closer and closer to giving in. He knew I was half a person, a broken, hollow, shell of a girl – but he still wanted me. And, hell, Edward was never coming back. Why not make Jake happy? Why not take what little happiness I could have, even if it were only a weak candle compared to the blazing inferno I felt with Edward?

"Jake," I whispered. I met his eyes, trying to phrase this as diplomatically as I could. I was already taking too great an advantage of him. I didn't deserve any more from him. "I don't deserve you," I said honestly. "You deserve way better than what I can give you."

Jake smiled sadly, shaking his head, but he let it drop. He withdrew his hand, examining the smudge of eyeliner left behind. "I liked it when you didn't wear so much makeup," Jake confessed. He ducked his head, clearly expecting me to be angry. My hands flew to my eyes – heavily coated with black eyeliner and mascara. It was the only makeup I wore. I don't know why I started… maybe so my outside could reflect the bleakness of my inside, or something lame like that. It just became a habit after a while, plus – it fit my new reputation well: Bella the Bad-ass.

"I know," I sighed, rubbing at my eyes. I blinked foggily at Jacob, who began laughing.

"Now you look like a raccoon!" he declared. "Here," he offered gently, still chuckling, "let me help." He licked his thumbs and cleaned away the smudges around my eyes. I could tell he was removing as much of it as he could, but I didn't fight him – except to recoil in disgust when he licked his fingers.

"Jake – no spit!" I exclaimed.

"Take it easy," Jake insisted, ignoring my objections.

Suddenly, he froze, drawing his hands back slowly. I could see a flicker of rage building in his eyes.

"What is it?" I asked cautiously, drawing away from him. I only provoked him into phasing while we were outside. But if he phased in this tiny little room? I would be shredded to ribbons.

Jake growled, shaking his head furiously.

"Is it Sam?" I asked, remembering that the pack could communicate with thought.

"Gotta get outside," he gasped, lunging off the bed. I leapt up, following him out the front door.

"Bella!" Billy called after me, well aware of what was happening. "Are you crazy?"

"God damn it, Bella! Stay in the house!" Edward's voice snarled in my ear. "What is wrong with you? Get away from him!"

I ignored him, pushing after Jake. "Jake! What's wrong?"

Jake rounded on me, the fury in his eyes more frightening than anything I've encountered, James included. "They're back!" he snapped. "Your precious leeches are back!"

And with that, Jacob the boy disappeared into an explosion of fur, and Jacob the wolf pelted into the woods, leaving me well behind.

Only one thing registered in my mind.

Edward was back.

_Okay, this chapter was a lot of explanation and angst – but I promise next chapter will have mucho more excitement. First off, Edward will be appearing! WOOT. And secondly, you get to witness Bella's total bad-assness firsthand. LoL. Hope you're excited, because I am!! _


	2. Delusion

_Yay update! My flashdrive totally died on me, otherwise I would have updated sooner. Mostly, I spent the last few days crying and rocking in the fetal position because in addition to all of my fanfics, I had a completed 90,000 word manuscript on my flashdrive that I was just about to start revising and 30,000 words of another manuscript that I just started last month. So yes. Not happy. This may be reflected in my writing. Just a warning. And – to answer a few comments/private messages: Yes, I realize Bella is acting strangely. I said in the summary that she is a changed person. The main idea of this fic is how Bella would evolve if Edward didn't return, and then, how the two of them would deal with this new Bella when he, at long last, showed up.  
__Oh, and, be warned: the "f-word" lies in this chapter._

I jumped into my truck and drove home as fast as the old clunker would allow. Contrary to everything I'd expected, the hole in my chest burned, opening wider. My blood raced through my veins, nearly boiling, but I couldn't tell if it was from nerves or from fury. At long last, he decided to show up? After all the shit I'd been through, and he just came waltzing back into town like he can just take up like it used to be? And he didn't even come to see me?!

"Calm down," I hissed to myself as I drifted over the center line. An oncoming car laid on the horn, the driver giving me a baleful glare as I swerved back into my lane. "Screw off," I muttered under my breath, tightening my grip on the steering wheel. Why hadn't the delusion warned me about that? Perhaps it knew I would notice in time. Thinking of the delusion only made me think of Edward. I glanced edgily in my rearview mirror, expecting at any moment to see a silver Volvo pull out behind me.

_Idiot_, I thought bitterly. _He's not back for you. Who knows what the hell he's back for._ All I really knew was that I was getting the hell out of Forks. I couldn't face him at school tomorrow – I was sure he'd be there. After all, such a talked about family can't return to such a small town and not attract any notice. They'd have to go back to their old ways, if only to avoid garnering too much attention.

I whipped into the driveway, barely missing Charlie's cruiser. I stomped down the parking brake and leapt out of the truck, storming towards the house. With shaking fingers, I pulled a cigarette from the box in my pocket and retrieved my lighter from the other pocket. Charlie didn't know I smoked, but I needed a cigarette more than I ever had before. My thumb rolled over the igniter, then froze, uncertain. I stopped in my tracks, staring at the cigarette and lighter in my hands. Did I want to hear his voice right now? Could I bear to hear his voice right now? I hadn't cried since the day Edward left, but hearing his voice just now… it could break me.

"Son of a bitch," I muttered, trying to steady my hands. "Who cares?" I demanded of the air. "Who gives a damn anymore?" I let out a hysterical laugh and ignited the lighter, pressing the flame to the end of the cigarette. As I took my first draw, I waited for his scolding. My heart, after months of disuse, gave a half-hearted lurch at the idea.

Nothing. His voice was gone.

Suddenly, the smoke on my tongue, in my throat, filling my lungs, tasted putrid. As if my body had finally begun to recognize that I was poisoning myself, I doubled over, coughing up the tarry smoke that had once sustained me. I spit out the bitter cigarette, stomping it into the dirt and coughing until my throat felt raw. When I could finally breathe, I drew my hands away from my mouth. My palms were flecked with blood.

I felt a familiar rush of dizziness. The sweet coppery tang filled my senses, overwhelming me. My stomach turned unpleasantly, and I fell to my knees in the driveway. A rough, broken sob escaped me, barking past my torn throat with a painful stab. I tried to choke it back, but that one weakness had broken the dam. I paused for a breathless moment, trying to regain my sense of the world, before I dissolved into tears. I was lost in memories that I never wanted to see or feel. But they were more than memories – they were _real. _I was reliving the greatest part of my life – the part of my past that had eternally scarred my future.

_Edward's tawny eyes crinkled as he gave me his devastating crooked smile. The hypnotic flow of his velvety voice left me awestruck. His fingers traced the curve of my neck, the line of my jaw, the shape of my lips. Wrapped in his embrace, I was filled with warmth, despite his cool skin. The sunlit meadow was a dream, all swaying flowers and Edward's glittering, flawless skin. He had saved me from James, drawing the terrible, burning venom from me without killing me, as he truly desired. Edward – my prince, my love, my savior… Oh Edward._

"Oh Edward," I sighed desperately, when I could breathe again. I hiccupped intermittently, wiping my eyes as I made my way to the door, numb. The memories had been more painful that I thought I could stand, but somehow, I had not collapsed from despair. I felt nothing anymore, but I knew what I had to do. I had to leave Forks before I was completely undone. I had to go back to Phoenix. As much as I'd fought to stay in Forks, for the sake of clinging to his memory, I needed to leave now. I needed to protect my sanity. Now that I knew he was back in Forks, he seemed real again – not the brief dream that had been stolen away from me. I could keep him real by knowing he was in Forks, even if I could never see him.

"Bella?" Charlie called from the living room when I opened the front door.

"Yeah, it's me," I answered, monotone. I wouldn't tell Charlie I was leaving. He would try to stop me. I would just… go.

I went up to my room, prepared to pack my few belongings. I would think of an excuse for Charlie while I packed. I could tell him I was going camping with the kids at LaPush. That would work. My brain focused determinedly on the task at hand. My emotional numbness was carefully maintained, and if I let myself think of why I was leaving, for even a millisecond, I would lose it. I paused at my bedroom door, took a breath, and entered.

"Bella," the delusion said softly. My heart lurched giddily, and I felt myself beginning to feel again. The delusions weren't gone! But hearing his voice was not what I needed. My heart ached beyond anything I'd ever felt – even when he first left. I sunk to my knees with a gasp, clutching my chest. If only that hole would fade even a little, maybe I might not be so broken.

"Bella," the delusion repeated, sounding worried. "What's wrong?"

I slumped against the wall, closing my eyes against the world. "The same thing that's always wrong," I snapped, wrapping my arms around myself.

"Are you ill?"

"Mentally, yeah," I replied bitterly. "I'm missing my goddamned heart! That might be a bit of a problem." Sarcasm couldn't cover the heartbreak in my voice. I wished I could sound stoic, unconcerned – but what did it matter? It wasn't like my delusional Edward was going to tell the real Edward what I mess I was.

"Oh, Bella," the delusion sighed, sounding as heartbroken as I. "I never meant to hurt you like this."

"Whatever," I sighed, still huddled against the wall. I dropped my chin to my chest, keeping my eyes closed. "Why am I talking to you?" I growled. "You're not real. God, I am so far gone."

I pulled my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms securely around my legs. Perhaps that would keep my throbbing heart from dropping out of my chest. I pressed my face into my knees, fighting the urge to cry again. _Once is enough_, I told myself sternly.

I suddenly felt cold hands on my shoulders. Oh God, I was progressing into physical hallucinations. "I'm so sorry, Bella," the delusion said brokenly. Since when was the delusion sympathetic? I only ever got yelled at for being stupid. I think I preferred the yelling delusion. This humble, apologetic delusion was only making my heart hurt worse.

"Bella, open your eyes," the delusion insisted.

I shook my head against my knees. If I looked up into my empty room, I would lose it all – the feel of his hands stroking my hair, the velvet of his voice, his sweet smell. It would be gone, and I needed it more than anything.

"Bella, please – just look at me!" the delusion pleaded.

I snapped my head up angrily to confront the empty room, but instead, I was met with the sight of his perfect face.

"Oh my God," I gasped, recoiling from him. I gasped as I felt the hole in my chest abruptly filling over – Edward… was in my room! But I was not entirely fixed, still… I was missing something. Where my heart should be, I only felt hollow… empty.

Chagrined by my reaction, Edward dropped his hands, pulling away from me. His face fell before he hid it behind a mask of calmness. His amber eyes darkened to chocolate, and I knew that behind his neutral expression, he was as volatile as I was. Though, his volatility was infinitely more dangerous for me.

Edward surveyed my reaction, searching my eyes, his brow furrowing as I failed to leap into his arms. After a pause, he stood, looking down on me. "Bella," he said calmly. "I've missed you."

I leapt to my feet, rage filling the void where my heart had once been. After all the shit I'd gone through because of him, and that's the best he has to say to me? If I didn't know it would have no effect, I would've slapped him with all the strength I had. My fingers curled into angry fists at my side and I bit my lip to keep from screaming at him. No need to bring Charlie up here.

Edward looked down at the floor. "You don't have anything to say to me?"

"Yeah, I have something to say to you," I snarled, marching forward. I knew it was useless – but I did it anyway. I swung my hand back and brought it around with a ringing slap on Edward's cheek. "Fuck you, Edward Cullen."

The effect was like that of punching a boulder. My hand stung painfully, but I pretended it didn't. The slap didn't hurt Edward physically, but my proximity was too much. His eyes flashed dark as coal and he seemed to lose himself for a moment, going rigid. I froze – knowing that jumping away from him might only further incite his predator instincts. After a second, Edward regained control, appearing at the other side of my room in a flash of motion.

He gasped raggedly. "You still have no sense of self-preservation, do you?"

"How would you know?" I snarl, careful to keep my voice low. "You've been gone for a year! Do you know how much a person changes in that time?" My rage was like a pot boiling over. I couldn't contain myself, and somehow, screaming at Edward was fulfilling – the hollowness in my chest slowly filled. I could feel the beat of my heart again; albeit faintly.

"I see you've changed a great deal," Edward conceded reluctantly.

"You've been here two minutes. How would you know?" I snap.

"I can smell smoke all over you! Bella, what are you thinking?! Cigarettes are –"

"I'll do whatever the hell I please!" I cut him off. "Don't think you can come traipsing right back into Forks and tell me what to do!"

Edward sighed, shaking his head. "Bella, I never expected that. I… I was worried about you. Alice had a vision – you died from alcohol poisoning."

Without meaning to, I glanced at the nightstand, where I'd hidden a full bottle of vodka. I'd planned on downing the whole thing tonight while I watched Romeo and Juliet. Too fast to see, Edward went to my nightstand and removed the bottle.

"Hey – that's mine!" I made to take it back, but he was across the room again.

"I'm not going to let you kill yourself."

"Why do you care?!" I cried in frustration, fighting another onrush of tears.

"Bella – I've always cared." Edward's voice, passionate and low, was as sweetly hypnotic as I remembered. I felt myself falling into the memories of our past. With a stern shake of my head, I stepped away from him.

"If you cared, you wouldn't have left," I said flatly.

Edward's eyes softened as he regarded my defeated stance. I slumped onto my bed, sitting on the edge with my face in my hands.

"I left _because _I cared," he countered softly.

I sighed shakily, covering my tear soaked eyes. I refused to let him see me cry. "Whatever, Edward. Please just leave. Take the vodka with you if you're so concerned."

Edward didn't make a sound. I wiped my tears surreptitiously, then lifted my head sharply, ready to demand that he leave.

But he was already gone.

_Aww… sadness. I know I said there would be a lot of badass Bella in this chapter, but I decided to save it for the next one. Don't worry too much – Edward comes back. He wouldn't just give up on poor, messed-up Bella. Hope you liked this chapter! Please reveiw!!_


	3. Fire Alarm

_Sorry this one took me so long. Last week was really hectic for me. But, here it is, at last! Hope you like!_

I decided to stay in Forks after all. I had already endured the worst that could happen, and it hadn't killed me. If anything, seeing Edward again had been like a numbing antiseptic. I had wanted him to return to me for so long, and he finally did, but somehow, it wasn't what I wanted anymore. I didn't react the way I expected. Every time I'd envisioned his return, I saw myself leaping into his arms and declaring my undying love for him. Instead, I was angry. How _dare _he come back, after all this, without even a trace of regret. Did he just _expect _me to take him back with open arms? That was what infuriated me – his unwavering faith in the girl I used to be. That girl would've bent over backwards to make Edward happy. _This _girl is not such a push-over.

The next day at school, I scuttled nervously between classes. I hadn't seen any of the Cullens so far, so I dared to hope they hadn't yet started school.

When lunch came, I went outside to eat in my truck, as usual. Having slowly alienated each and every one of my friends, I no longer had anyone to eat with. Despite my show of unconcern with the world, I didn't have the courage to eat alone in the lunch room. Besides, it was much quieter in my truck. I could think, away from all the loud conversation and raucous laughter of the cafeteria.

But when I reached my truck, I sucked in a sharp gasp of surprise. That shiny, silver Volvo was parked two stalls away from my rusty old truck. I tore my eyes away, afraid that any of them would be inside, and clambered resolutely into my truck. I kept my eyes steadfastly fixed on the school as I picked at the sandwich I'd made. It tasted like ash on my tongue, but I forced myself to eat.

The ten minute bell rang, and I leapt out of my truck and raced into school, not daring to look back. Would I see him climbing out of the car, staring after me longingly? Or had my tantrum last night convinced him to give up this silly quest of forgiveness that he was on. After all, he couldn't truly want me back. If he loved me so much, he never would have left. Likely, his guilt at leaving me like that had him desperate for my forgiveness. Edward was always like that – noble. But he wasn't mine anymore, and he never would be. So I didn't care.

I walked into English and sat down quietly, keeping my head down. Mr. Kemp began roll-call, and I allowed myself to drift absently. But one name in particular wrenched me from my daydreams.

"Edward Cullen?"

"Here."

"Nice to have you back, Edward," Mr. Kemp said pleasantly, before moving on in the roll.

I raised my head slowly, reluctantly, turning my eyes in disbelief. There he was, four desks over, sitting without a care in the world.

"God damn it!" I snarled, leaping from my desk. Mr. Kemp – and the rest of the class – looked up in astonishment. I had one fleeting glimpse of Edward's topaz eyes, widened in shock, before I bolted from the room.

"Miss Swan!" Mr. Kemp shouted angrily.

"Bella!" Edward called. I could hear him running after me. He wouldn't take advantage of his extreme speed in the school – he could be seen by somebody. I picked up the pace, though it was hard to run in combat boots. I pushed against the heavy metal doors and broke out into the rain. It was coming down heavy, but I was immune to the feel. All I could think of, was that he was _still _following me.

The weight of my boots was beginning to make my legs ache, and the fishnets I was wearing were shredding beyond recognition. I slowed to a halt, and whirled around angrily to face him. Edward drew up short, confronted with my cold fury. I could feel the grim set of my jaw, and the determined slant of my eyes. He was probably wondering who on earth his sweet, innocent Bella had become.

"What the hell do you want, Edward?" I demanded angrily.

Edward sighed, taking a step towards me. I wanted to back up, but I didn't want him to think I was intimidated. I raised my chin obstinately, staring him down.

"I just want to talk," Edward said softly, his expression inscrutable as he examined me. "What's happened to you, Bella?" He reached out softly, his fingers going to my cheek, but I flinched sharply away from him.

"I told you," I spat viciously, "people change."

"You've changed a lot," Edward observed quietly. "You never used to wear… so much black… or skirts… or such dark make-up…"

"So, I've changed," I snapped. It hurt that Edward didn't think I was attractive anymore. My heart felt heavy, but I was careful to hide it. I couldn't let him see me weakening. "You should know about change," I growled. "After all, you were once madly in love with me, but it didn't take long for you to change your mind."

Edward shook his head furiously, throwing water from his bronze locks. The rain had plastered my hair down, hanging in loops over my face. I brushed it haphazardly from my eyes as Edward said, "I've _always _loved you, Bella. I left for your own good! Why can't you understand that?"

I looked down at the ground. I couldn't believe him. I couldn't let hope swell my heart, only to have it ripped out of my chest again. Edward closed the distance between us, raising my chin with a gentle touch, so that he could look into my eyes.

"Poor Bella," he sighed wearily, his troubled eyes betraying a burden that has aged him beyond his eternal seventeen. His thumbs glided over the hollows beneath my eyes, coming away covered in black mascara. The gesture was so simple and sweet, and it reminded me of Jacob. I wrenched away from him with a cry of frustration.

"You can't just come back, okay Edward? You can't just walk back after a year, and expect everything to be the same!" I covered a sob with a hacking cough.

Edward was all concern. "You're soaking wet, and it's freezing out here," He said worriedly. "Let's go back inside."

"You go back inside. I'm not going anywhere with you."

I turned and started for my truck. Charlie was going to kill me when the office called home for two skips in a row, but that was the least of my worries at the moment. Edward's hard, cold grip closed around my elbow, and yanked me back.

"Bella, please be sensible. Just go inside and dry off. I'll leave you alone."

I froze, glaring pointedly at his hand on my arm. I was being as much of a bitch as I could, but Edward was determined. I just wanted him to go the hell away so I could self-destruct in peace.

"Will you please just leave me alone _now_?!" I demanded frantically. I could feel the tears coming, and I didn't want him to see me cry. I needed to get away from him.

Before Edward could answer, a shrill, wailing alarm rent the air. We both jumped in shock. It was the fire alarm. Edward's eyes narrowed, and his attention diverted from me. After a moment's silence, Edward sighed, relieved. "It's just a drill," he murmured. I remembered his gift, and thanked the heavens that I was somehow unreadable.

The doors on the school buildings burst open simultaneously, and kids began pouring out into the parking lot. Everyone else had raincoats to protect them, since they'd had the presence of mind to grab their things before leaving the building. I felt self-conscious as I realized everybody was staring at Edward and I.

I couldn't skip out now. I'd have to wait until after the drill was over. I allowed Edward to shepherd me away from the building, so that I could dissolve into the crowd without drawing attention.

Edward groaned suddenly, drawing my attention. I followed the line of his eyes to Lauren, who was standing next to me, looking smug.

"Bella," she sneered, "You look lovely. The drowned rat look really works for you."

Jessica pressed her hand to her mouth, hiding a smile, while Mike looked at the ground.

I smiled. Just what I needed – a little battle with Lauren to take away my frustrations. "Thanks," I said sweetly, shaking my head so that Lauren was splattered with rain water. She scowled as she wiped rain from her eyes. Before she could say anything, I added, "I really like the constipated bitch look you've been wearing."

Lauren rolled her eyes. "If anyone's a bitch here, it's you, Bella." She looked my clothing over disdainfully. "Who do you think you are? Avril Lavigne?" She cackled merrily, and Jessica joined her. Mike had shuffled away, disappearing into the crowd. He may not have had much of a spine, but I was grateful that he refused to play along with Lauren's bitchery.

"No," I answered calmly. "I think I'm the girl who's going to knock you on your ass, little girl."

"Bella!" Edward said sharply. I had forgotten he was even there. I ignored him, and stepped closer to Lauren. I was pleased to see that she took a hesitant step backwards. Her hand went to her black eye nervously. I allowed myself a small, tight smile.

"I'm not afraid of you," Lauren said firmly, looking me straight in the eye.

"Really?" I smiled widely. "You should be."

Lauren smiled smugly. "If you hit me again, you're going to be charged. You can't do anything."

I grinned ferally. "Give me a reason, bitch."

Lauren scoffed. "You're all talk, you ugly little troll."

That was all the reason I needed. I brought my fist back sharply, admiring the horrified look on Lauren's face, before –

Edward caught me by the arm and dragged me back. I struggled against him, but his iron grip was unbreakable. Lauren doubled over laughing as she watched Edward drag me away. Fury filled me from top to bottom, and I struck out, kicking and flailing. My boots bounced uselessly off his granite body, and I was only tiring myself out. I gave in, sagging wearily against him.

"Fine!" I screamed at him, ignoring the stares coming my way. "Just let me go!"

Edward released me wordlessly, and I spun away from him like a wounded tiger. "Don't ever touch me," I hissed furiously. His eyes widened briefly, before closing. When he opened his eyes again, they were a shade darker, and his face was unreadable. It was like a stranger was looking at me through his eyes.

The sight was even more painful than his return. I felt my rage collapsing and something inside of me fell away, leaving me hollow. I looked sharply away from him, trying to catch my breath. Suddenly, I felt it all – the pounding rain, the biting wind, my soaking wet clothes. I was wet, cold, helpless.

The bell rang, signaling the end of the drill, and I jumped again. The crowd slowly filtered back into the school, back to their classes. Edward and I remained outside, both looking away from the other.

When the last student had drifted back into school, Edward sighed, and looked back at me. His gaze was still that of stranger. I recoiled as he took a step towards me, but he did not sigh in shame or close his eyes in exasperation. "Let me drive you home," he said quietly. "Alice will take care of the office and Emmet will drive your truck home."

I nodded silently, all the fight gone from me. I didn't like this new, strange Edward. I followed obediently, crawling in the passenger side of the Volvo. We rode home in silence. Edward pulled into the driveway and put the car in park.

As I moved to open my door, Edward stopped me with a breath. "Bella," he said softly, his voice thick with controlled passion. "I have _always_ loved you. _Always_. And I will do whatever it takes to get you back."

I hung my head. Something had broken in me, I'd lost the will to fight, but I still couldn't expose myself to the same heartbreak I suffered before. A second time around would very likely kill me.

"Oh, Edward," I sighed, looking out the window. "I wish I could believe you."

Before he could answer, I got out of the car and ran into the house. I slammed the door shut and leaned against it wearily. At the sound of the Volvo backing up, I slid to the floor, finally allowing my tears to flow. I cried like I hadn't since he left, choking on my rage, and fear and loneliness. He was finally back, liked I'd wanted for so long, but nothing was right. Nothing was fixed. Things were _worse_.

When I had finally cried myself dry, I lay on the cool tile in front of the door, trying to catch my breath.

"Edward," I murmured. "Why aren't things better?"


	4. Jacob

_Sorry I haven't updated in so long. Things have been a little messy for me lately. Anyways, thanks to all of you who reviewed. If I can – I'd like to make one small request: please don't leave anything along the lines of "update soon" as the only words in your review. I will update when I please. It only irritates me to see that. It's very demanding and gives me no indication of how you felt about my writing._

I found myself at Jake's house, with no idea why I'd come. I vaguely remembered driving over, but everything in my mind was a blur after Edward left me at the house. There was a strange fire humming through my veins, and I felt dizzy and even more clumsy than usual. When I entered the house, I noticed with an unpleasant gleam of happiness that Billy was not in.

Jake sat on the couch in the living room, shocked by my sudden appearance. No doubt my soaking clothes, rain flattened hair, and running mascara were the height of beauty.

"Hi Jake," I said breathlessly, teetering on my feet as the fire in my blood coursed faster, hotter.

"Bella?" Jake asked, perplexed.

I ignored his bewilderment and plopped down on the couch beside him. "Didn't you miss me, Jake? I haven't seen you for days." The warmth of his skin was a welcome relief to the cold, wet press of my soaking clothes.

Jake's nose wrinkled as I leaned against him.

"You smile like the leeches," he said tensely, his ire rising.

"Edward came to see me," I confessed blithely, not interested in talking about it. I wanted to be closer to Jake. I wanted to be warm. I wanted to be loved.

My flippant tone soothed his temper. "You… didn't take him back?" Jake guessed hopefully.

"No," I sighed, nuzzling my nose against the warm crook of his neck. Jake gasped and leapt from the couch. With his support gone, I collapsed with a yelp onto the cushions. Looking up at him balefully, I tried to understand why he was being so jumpy. My brain felt slow, muddled, like walking through choppy water. All I could really comprehend was that I wanted him back, sitting beside me.

"Bella, you're acting strange," Jake said, looking a little dazed as he rubbed his neck.

"No, you are," I argued. "Come back and sit by me. I just want your company."

"Wait – just answer this honestly: are you and that leech… together?"

I sighed impatiently. "No, alright!" The hollow space in my chest, where my heart belonged, gave a feeble lurch. "I want _you_, Jake, okay?!" I wasn't sure why I said it. But I couldn't take it back, after Jacob's eyes lit so brightly.

"Yeah?" he asked, not daring to step towards me.

"Yeah," I answered, looking down at the floor. Even through the muddle that was my brain, I could feel guilt. But as Jacob stepped towards me, all other emotions vanished and the fire in my veins sang as I pressed myself against the heat of his skin. Unbidden by me, my mouth found his, and I felt my whole body warmed by his touch. His lips, sweet and hungry, teased mine with a well-practiced restraint that only a werewolf could know.

My hands went to the edge of his t-shirt, lifting it easily over his broad, muscular chest. I helped myself out of my soaking sweater, since Jacob was too much of a gentleman to dare.

"Bella," Jake whispered huskily, breaking our kiss. "Are you sure about this?" His warm brown eyes were guarded as he searched mine.

"I've waited a long time, Jake. I'm sure." I silenced any objections he might have with another kiss, while my hands fumbled with the fly on his jeans.

"Bella!" Jake gasped, grabbing my hands. "What are you doing?"

"Whatever the hell I want to," I growled, biting his bottom lip. Jake's argument dissolved into a moan as I traced the contour of his ear with my tongue, kissed the sensitive skin on his neck, nipping him softly. His hands rested politely on my hips. I took one hand, and led his fingers to the lace of my bra. This time, Jake's morals didn't interfere.

"Bella," Jake sighed. "I hope you realize what you're doing."

"Shhh," I shushed him, kissing him on the mouth. "I don't care what I'm doing." My hands went to the zipper on his jeans again, and he didn't stop me.

_Yes, quite short. And yes, major cliffie. I've got a lot of catching up to do, but next chapter will be longer – I promise. And for those of you who also read "Old Secrets" and "People of the Wolf" – I will have new chapters up later this afternoon._


	5. Brown

**EDIT: this is officially the last chapter of Bad, Bad Bella. I'm working on a new Twilight fic, but I won't be posting it until I finish "People of the Wolf." I will update PotW by the end of next week, so hang in there kids. :-P**

_Voilà! La nouvelle chapitre!_

The front door swung open abruptly, startling me so badly that I flew off the couch. Jacob let out an incoherent shout, staggering to his feet. I cursed as my knees began to fully appreciate the sting of my fall. With a barely contained snarl, I looked up to the door.

Billy rolled in on his wheelchair, looking perplexed. "What's going on here?" he asked suspiciously. I could only stare wordlessly. The shock of Billy's sudden entrance had been enough to clear my muddled brain, but I still couldn't think of a reasonable excuse for our terror-stricken leaps.

"We were watching a movie," Jake lied, pointing to the TV. "It was really freaky." I glanced over, noting with relief that Jake had been watching some gruesome zombie movie when I'd arrived – something I hadn't noticed, considering the state I was in.

Billy shook his head and rolled past us, and down to his bedroom. "Don't stay up too late," he shouted back at us.

As soon as his door closed, I turned back to Jake. "I should go," I said shakily.

"You don't have to," Jake said softly.

I looked at my feet. "Yeah. I do. I'll see you later, okay?"

"Bye, Bells." He gave me a sweet smile, and didn't even try to kiss me goodbye or anything. I could feel my heart again – but I wished I couldn't. It was shattering into a million pieces.

-- -- --

Back home, I went straight to my room. Charlie was in the living room, watching the game. He greeted me when I entered, but immediately focused on the TV again. All the better for me – if I had to have a conversation with him, he'd know right away that something was wrong.

In my room, I found a note on my bedside table. I considered burning it, but in the end, I couldn't do it. I needed to know what it said.

_Bella,_

_I know how you feel about me. And I understand. To be honest, I often wondered how long it would take you to realize that I'm no good for you. And that's what I need you to know – that I told the greatest lie of my life when I left you. In all the years I have to spend without you, I'll never be able to do anything to deserve you. It's not that you're no good for me. You're too good for me, Bella. And you were right before, about change. You've changed since I've been gone. Forgive me my arrogance in assuming it was my fault, even if you can't forgive me for anything else. I wish you well. I love you._

_Edward._

I choked back hot tears as I finished the letter. Why did this have to be so messy? Why couldn't it be like I pictured? Why had he left in the first place?

That night I fell asleep fully dressed, and for the first time in a long time, I didn't dream at all.

-- -- --

The next day at school, I got more stares than on my first day in Forks.

"Bella?" Mike passed me in the hallway, looking a bit incredulous.

"Yeah?" I asked quietly.

"You… nothing. See you later."

"Bye."

I brushed past him and hurried to English. I wasn't sure what I was doing, but I felt more at peace than I had in months.

"Look who finally started dressing like a normal human," Lauren said snidely, eyeing my plain brown sweater derisively.

"Look who still doesn't know when to shut the fuck up," I replied apathetically. Fighting with Lauren had become a tiresome game, one I didn't want to play anymore. I was tired of her cattiness and I was tired of always taking her bait. I ignored whatever comment she shot back at me and took out my books. I'd done my English homework at lunch. I hoped that Mr. Kemp wouldn't have an aneurism.

I was careful not to look around – I wasn't sure I could bear to look at Edward. I kept my eyes carefully focused on my textbook. But when Mr. Kemp took roll, Edward didn't answer.

"Edward Cullen?" Mr. Kemp repeated, looking up from his roster.

No answer. I dared a small glance at Edward's desk.

Empty.

After class, I felt like all the wind had been let from my sails. At the same time, I felt this odd sense of relief. I no longer felt compelled to rush around playing the hard-ass. I let myself fade into the crowd, and when it was time to go home, I crawled into my truck and drove at a responsible speed.

-- -- --

At home, I went straight up to my room, as per usual. Some habits are just hard to break. Oddly enough, I'd had no trouble quitting smoking. Just looking at a pack of cigarettes made me think of Edward, and a strange mix of emotions distracted me from any nicotine withdrawal.

"Bella."

I whirled around, startled. Edward sat in the corner in my rocking chair.

"Edward," I whispered.

"Brown," Edward noticed, satisfaction barely concealing the desolation in his tone. "I like brown… it's warm."

I smiled weakly, remembering a distant conversation. Neither of us said anything. For a breathless moment, I met his eyes, and my stomach lurched as if the world had turned over. It wasn't fair that he could still affect me like this. Why couldn't this be a normal relationship?

Finally, Edward broke the silence. "You read my note?"

I nodded mutely.

"So… you understand… what I said when we left… it was all a lie. I just wanted to protect you."

I sat slowly on my bed, digesting his words. "I… understand."

Edward waited a moment, as if expecting me to say more. When I did not, he stood and crossed the room to my window. He paused a moment, his hands on the sill. "I just wanted to make sure you knew."

His fingers were at the latch.

"Edward…"

He pushed the window open.

"I never changed," I blurted.

His hands froze.

"I never hated you," I whispered, looking away.

He turned slowly, amber eyes guarded as he surveyed me. "What are you saying, Bella?"

I took a deep breath, forcing myself to speak. "I… I was trying to protect myself too, I guess."

Edward sat beside me on the bed, searching my eyes.

"I didn't want to be hurt again," I explained carefully.

"So…?"

"You said in the note that you loved me. Did you mean it?"

Edward inhaled sharply, giving me an incredulous look. "I can't believe you ever doubted it. I can't believe you fell for my lies. Of course I love you!"

I looked down at my feet, blushing. "I love you, Edward. I never stopped loving you."

I felt his cold arms wrap around me, pulling me tight against his granite chest. "Bella," he whispered, pressing his lips against my hair.

_Teehee! Now to answer a few questions…_

_Q: Why did Bella go over to Jake and try to deflower him?  
__A: She is really messed up, okay? The visit from Edward really rattled her, considering she thinks he's this heartbreaking liar and all of the sudden he just shows up and wants everything to be right as rain. So she goes to Jake, who's been pretty much the ONLY constant for her, and she does what she thinks will make him happy. Because Edward is so clearly NOT making her happy._

_Q: Fair enough. But why does she suddenly flip her switch in this chapter and decide to make things all peaches and cream between her and Edward?  
__A: Silly little fool. Have you not paid any attention? Bella is incredibly unstable. We're lucky she didn't go to school wearing her bed sheets and demanding to be called the Empress of Rome! Just wait until the next chapter when it turns out that she got pregnant with Jake's werewolf baby through some sort of immaculate conception! (Okay, just kidding on that one. No fears for those of you who expressed the sentiment that you might smother me in my sleep if Bella got pregnant by Jacob.)_

_Q. Alright then, Miss Smarty Pants. Then riddle me this: what's long, hard and full of seamen?  
__A. A submarine, of course. (What?! Keep your mind out of the gutter!!!)  
__(P.S. That joke works better out loud. Unless you're not aware of the differences in spelling between seamen and… well, you know.)_


End file.
